Slow Burn

My husband used to listen to Tom Lycos. He probably still does.

Before we got married, I used to live in the Bay Area and he lived in L.A. I used to fly down every 6 weeks or so to see him and sometimes he'd have Tom Lycos on the radio. He made it a point to stop on that station, turn up the volume and explain to me who this man was and what he was about.

Now I'm sure like most radio personalities this guy talks about a variety of topics. But my fiancé at the time made it a point to highlight the following: Tom says men should be assholes to women. Treat them like shit and they'll sleep with you. Women are only out for your money anyway so treat them like shit.

He didn't mention any other topics that might be discussed on this radio show. Time after time, he made it a point to bring up this particular topic. And if that happened to be the discussion going on when we got in the car, he would turn it up.

And he wondered why I would get upset.

It's not that I hated Tom Lycos. Frankly, I don't listen to any talk radio. It just doesn't hold my attention, regardless of the topic (unless it's something weird or spooky, then it might just hold my attention until the commercial break when I get trigger happy with the stations again). The reason I was so upset is because I thought my husband was trying to tell me something.

Why do you think it's okay to treat women like shit?

I'm not saying it's okay-

Then what are you saying?

We would have these circular arguments until we just finally got tired of arguing. I couldn't understand why he was making me listen to that and why he admired that guy so much, and he didn't understand why I took it so personally. After all, he wasn't treating me like shit so why should I care how other men act?

Because I'm a woman goddammit!

If I see someone talking crap about Mexicans, yes, I'm going to be offended. If someone talks crap about Americans, yes, I'm going to get upset. I don't have to be the target to feel offended by something.

So for a very long time, that radio personality went unmentioned. Years passed. We got married. We've been happily married for almost 6 years now.

Then something happened. An old buddy of his cheated on his girlfriend. The clincher? She is a very good friend of ours too. My husband and I were both upset, we both comforted her. He talked to his buddy and pretty much told him to get his act together and make up his mind who he wanted to be with.

But my husband said something that really bothered me. He said if it had been any other girl, or if he hadn't been friends with her he wouldn't have cared. He would have even high-fived his friend (his words, not mine).

That pissed me off. Why is it okay to hurt someone just because you don't know them? Isn't that just a wee bit hypocritical? I mean after all, his dad did the same thing to his mom (and she threw a knife at the back of his head but that's a story for another day). My husband still harbors a little bit of resentment toward his father for what he did to his mom.

Then how could he say something like that?

Am I crazy to feel angry at him? I can't help it, but I do feel disgust toward him at times. I wish I could be more like a guy in these situations. Something pisses them off, they're upset for a while, then they plop in front of the TV, crack open a beer, burp and move on. Maybe that's what I need to do. Acknowledge that I'm bothered by this, accept it, get on cuteoverload.com, pour some red wine and forget about it.